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You can't do both...

Supplied by Colin Wood (Acker Bilk's pianist)

Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician.
Well honey, you know you can't do both.

What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A tattoo.

What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
The defendant

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

What's the definition of a minor second interval?
Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Why do people play trombone?
Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?
A music critic.

How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
The policeman

Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.

Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.

What kind of cigar are you smoking there?
It's a Lawrence Welk.
What's a Lawrence Welk?
It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it.

Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the band?
The drummer.

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