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Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know
where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the
second day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some
fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries
with that?"
Jay Leno

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
Dave Edison

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.
Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
Billiam Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to
swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
Paula Poundstone

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That maybe. But I think there's one other thing that separates us
from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
Jeff Stilson

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else.
Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say
the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
Rita Rudner

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Jerry Seinfeld

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but
when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color,
but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm. enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
Richard Jeni

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I.
Bill Murray

Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings.
Robert Benchley

When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is smile. Get it over with.

From Tommy Cooper:
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster. Go for it.'

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen, it said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said, 'I want to buy an ice-cream.' He said, 'Knickerbocker Glory?' I said, 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said, 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I rang up a local building firm. I said, 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said, 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
All from Tommy Cooper

Two old-age-pensioners got married. On the first night of their honeymoon the new bride wore a long, white satin nightdress. The groom took one look at her, turned over and went to sleep.

On the second night she wore a very saucy, sheer, see-through black chiffon Baby Doll creation. Once again he took one look, turned over and went to sleep.

On the third night, in desperation, she went to bed stark naked, but he turned over and went to sleep again with hardly a second look.

'Well,' she demanded at breakfast, completely baffled, 'What do you think of my lovely nightdresses?'

'Very nice,' he replied. 'But the one you wore last night needed ironing.'
From Mia

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
From Rene Laanen


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